Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Awwwww shit.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.