Dead sexy!!
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!