if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
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*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees