My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
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her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”