“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
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What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap