THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”