I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
BRO LMFAO
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.