Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
The point of your 20s
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.