3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
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I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me