The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.