instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
You Might Also Like
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.