So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
You Might Also Like
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long