Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”