Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
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“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
This kid will have a bright future.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*