Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
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[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.