Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Golf would be better with landmines.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not