*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
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Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”