Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Customer is always right
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Lmfao
beware of dog
(jukin media)