Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.