During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
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I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Just as the prophecy foretold
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes