I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You Might Also Like
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Ape together strong
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.