Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Florida be like…
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
The game has officially changed 😎
the three genders
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now