I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
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My purse is deeper than some people.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit