I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
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Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Holy moly
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.