Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…