{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
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If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.