Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.