They did not miss in the small print
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
no refunds
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.