One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
nobody’s gonna understand
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that