*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.