Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.