Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day