Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Breaking news:
me linking you to my twitter
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
That’s no pocket rocket.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.