Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
You Might Also Like
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”