Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
<- sleeps well with others
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I think I’ll stand
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.