This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!