A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.