You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?