NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
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“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
#Caturday
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?