Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”