[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.