[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?