Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”