It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
don’t be scared
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Not helping
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.