Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
happy friday
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
adding to the discourse
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.