It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
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Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
my fav colour is also hitler
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.