Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
You Might Also Like
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
No, I don’t think I will.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”