5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Woke up against my better judgment again
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled