It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
You Might Also Like
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Coffee for people with no kids
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My wife has the worst taste in men.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.