P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Meat Cute
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.